A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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