yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
