I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
