May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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