just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
