I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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