im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
