If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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