Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
