Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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