PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
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