We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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