eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
