I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
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