I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
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