genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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