Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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