i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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