i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Randomize
