i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Randomize
