I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Randomize
