I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
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I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
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LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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