I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
