Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
