Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
