i need an iv and a liver transplant
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
