you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
