At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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