god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
