I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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