Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
