I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
