she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
