Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Cold hands, warm shart.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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