Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
