is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
