You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
