Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
