____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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