Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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