Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
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