I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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