why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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