you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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