turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
