The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
