somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
