this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
