I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
