My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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