I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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