im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
