Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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