if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
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I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
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He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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