she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
