The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
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