I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
being pregnant is like rehab
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
